There are days when the sadness hits so hard because of your character defects. Your brain is spinning in constant turmoil and the incredible guilt of these imperfections lies on you so heavy you feel like you can’t breathe. You’ve hurt some of your loved ones not purposely but because of your defects and you think you should just leave this world but this would put them forever in a bad place because of you and that’s the last thing you want.
A person with beginning Alzheimer’s seems to sometimes realize what they did was wrong or “stupid” but at the time the brain just misfires into unusual territory. The panic that sets in even if just for a brief moment is upsetting and causes so much embarrassment, anxiety or both that it is almost a blessing that the person eventually loses memories. This forgetting appears to alleviate some of those feelings. There is nothing more shameful than disappointing your parents or your spouse you may have thought but when you see or feel the disappointment you bestowed on your grown children it is a whole other level of shame, guilt, remorse and sadness. The parent is supposed to be strong, wise, one to always lean on but when there is starting to be questionable actions this can go by the wayside.
Yes, this character defect, this mental illness, this addiction to dopamine boosting activities is one of the worst pains you have ever felt. It is so hard to face anyone let alone the people you love. Your brain is exhausted and your emotions are even exhausted if that can be possible. You don’t want to hear about money ever again. It hurts your brain in ways that only a compulsive gambler can understand.
