Where were you before?
Although it’s painful to remember where I was before I came back to GC/GA after my relapse, it’s important to use the memories as a reminder of what I don’t want….
I don’t want to ever wake up feeling panic and hopeless after losing the money I needed for bills at the Casino the night before….I don’t want to wonder if I’ll be able to buy groceries or fill my car up with gas so I can go to work. I don’t want to feel shame, and to have to hide the pain of hating myself, and watching my life falling apart, thinking it was only because I needed money..and forgetting how powerless I was over gambling.
How things changed
When I started in treatment and GA again, things started to change. I was grateful to have a sponsor who understood and made me realize I needed some help. With the honesty, support and encouragement from Dawn and Lisa and the group, I found my way back to having some hope, and found the strength to start forgiving myself again. . I started to learn to take a day at a time again. But the best part was coming out of the “dark cloud” and seeing colors again. It took some time but the work was worth it. What helped most was knowing I was not alone. When I did my step one over, I realized that I had to always remember that without freedom from compulsive gambling, I had nothing ( this is also a quote form One Day at a Time book) And to have that freedom, we only need to do it.. “One day at a time”
Where are you now?
Today things are much better. I feel grateful, calm and more content. I continue to get strength from my GA sponsor. . It’s not that I expect life to be perfect, but taking a day at a time is the key for me. My rent is paid, I have groceries in my home, and gas in my car. Life is enough for me now, and the need to escape comes briefly. I am just happy that I realize when I need the escape to gamble, I just have to remember. To face those thoughts and urges instead of pretending that I am “healed”. I think back of where I was, and how far I’ve come, and what I want out of life. And I just remember … “Today I am not going to gamble.”
Thank you to GC and GA and to all my sisters and brothers in GA. I am blessed.